CBstatic
Big things from small packages

Yaknow, we here at CB Industries feel that there’s something to be said about subtly. Here’s some products to help sneak your way through the plague! Scout plasmid:700$ Achieve new heights by mentaly projecting youself forward. Allows you to look around corners with your highly powered mind! may turn you into a splicer. Remember kids, splicer no splicing! The cleavage gun:5.99$ free for d-cups! A specialized gun meant for hiding in human utters! Also comes with extra ammo clip!

The shhh! Librarian:free just get her away from me! Use this lady reminiscent to neils mother to keep other survivors silent. Settings include: annoying shushing, bony finger tapping, and stupid sexy librarian!

Even moar products!

Why fight the appocalypse alone when u can hire our one of premier bodyguard packages?

Get preparred

The zombie apocalypse is only one day away, so noes the perfect time to stock up on cb products before it’s too late.
Instabarriers:30$ buy one get one free! Create impetrable barriers using the finest cardboard available and all with the flick of a switch! The worlds most useful ammocase!:10$ +shipping Holds up to fifty darts, 7 railroad spikes, 15 silver bullets and 20 syringes! Berg gun, railway rifle, silver gun, and syringe gun not included. The cure!:50$ The official energy drink of the zombie appocalypse! does not cure any illness, rabies, curses or stds save for the clap.

Promo:anti-zombie equipment!

Are you ready for the next zombie outbreak? Don’t go out into the field without these equipment!: Crazy bastard cloning darts:130$ a dart. Shoot darts that continulously multiply. Effect takes place five hours after firing and can produce up to 1 extra penaltybonus! The ultimate headband:30$ +5 hair defense Sale!:The chainsaw gat:1 bean Shoot active chainsaws up to two feet at foes! Ammo not included NEW:people beam!:30000$ Telekineticaly grab and throw survivors into a horde and turns them into additional zombies!

My thoughts as a zombie

Well, wandering back into a zombie infested Syracuse wasn’t a great idea. I shot my good friend Dan who was a zombie, only to get bitten and infected later. I lasted an epic fail of 7 hours. The side affects are, well, bothersome. My skin itches alot, my gums are bleeding and I have lost any ability to speak. My mind also has been set a single priority, brains. Why that specifically and not the liver, I have no idea. Which makes me wonder another thing. How am I typing? I mean I’m now missing a few fingers, so it would be pretty hard, so….grrrrrrr…..gragh

I have some explaining it seems

Children, look out your windows and tell me how far you can see. Not far, right? That’s because of the god damn fog (obviously) but, well, the fog actually hides it’s more sinister purpose. In an effort to vanquish the salvation army once and for all, I had my boys back from DMS construct myself a weather machine. I wanted a storm so massive to get rid of their military bases within this area. Unfortunatly, I did not read the instruction manual like any man would (save my father) and did not set the switch to the right position. So, yeah sorry about that. So dont go out in that storm for about three or four days or you’ll pass out and defecate youself. Oops, did I forget to mention that? The fog is pure ethylbenzene mixed with multiple organic acids. You might want to avoid that

It’s wensday! you know what that means!

It’s time for an important news update by cb, speaking to your hearts and souls from the bowels of Marshall.

Last night at around 11pm Daniel queerlin had been cut making a transmutation circle on his floor and lining them with candles. He claims he was trying to summon the elders, the very same elders that had brought me, as well as Adam trautwig back from the dead. But why was he summoning them? Proffesional paranormal and paramore investigator Sarah Ostrender had this to say,”Anthony, what are you talking about?”. Dan is currently being held in captivity until he explains himself….who put this lobster in my bed?

SHAMELESS PLUG!

Having trouble with affeminate, annoying ex-floor-presidents who drop out of school a year later?   How about scumbag russians?  Kiss those problems goodbye with the Asshole-Anhilator-3000!  The Asshole-Anhilator-3000 is just a drone that flies around you as you walk about your day.  It automatically opens a portal directly to the fifth univere where Xenu’s mother lives whenever an asshole is present.  This puts them into a life of endless Rick Astley songs.

Use the Asshole-Anhilator to protect yourself from these kinds of people:

Ex-floor presidents

Kleptomaniacs

Zombies

Russian-mafia members

Sigma sigma sigma brothers

Badmutha-brutes and Lawyers

Use it to protect your stuff!  Have a klepto around?  Set the drone down in your a room, set a perimeter, and wait for the thief to come in!  In no time, that thief is gonna be wishing for the sweet sweet release into incarceration!  Call now and we’ll throw in the Magically Enchanted toothbrush for free!  Use the toothbrush to disorient intruders by using it as a projectile!

Call 518-866-2066 and order the Asshole-Anhilator 2566 with the Magically Enchanted toothbrush for only 29.99!

Warning:Items do not and have never worked on bears.  They infact only send bears into a giant spiraling rage.  Product requires 56 AA batteries.  Dangerous to use around pregnant woman, for it is known to cause immediate production of children of a different race than the parents.

Achievement guide for exploring the wilderness….by me.

Ya’know those xbox achievements for getting something in a game (or trophies in the lame ps3 version)?  Well what If I made some for hiking.  Wait, too late.  I did. :D  Put an x down for each one you have, then count up the points and put them out of 1000

I garden:10 points-Identify at least 10 plants in the wild X

Botanist:10 points-Identify at least 50 plants in the wild X

The garden of Eden has nothing on me:30 points-Identify at least 100 plants in the wild

Don’t bug me:10 points-Identify at least 10 insects/arachnids in the wild X

Not afraid of crawlies:10 points-Identify at least 50 insects/arachnids in the wild

Dan schultz:30 points-Identify at least 100 insects/arachnids in the wild

Funguy:10 points-Identify at least 10 fungi in the wild X

Fungus among us:10 points-Identify at least 50 fungi in the wild

Dr.Weir’s Apprentice:30 points-Identify at least 100 fungi in the wild

Bird-watcher:10 points-Identify at least 10 birds in the wild

Bird-brain:10 points-Identify at least 25 birds in the wild

Bird-flu:30 points-Identify at least 50 birds in the wild

Angler:10 points:Catch 10 fish and/or identify them

Fisher:10 points-Catch 25 fish and/or identify them

Bass-pro sponsor:30 points-Catch 100 fish and/or identify them

I like fuzzy things:10 points:See at least 5 different wild animals X

Dr.Dollitlle:10 points-See at least 10 different wild animals

Were of the same kingdom:30 points-See at least 25 different wild animals

Not Indiana jones:10 points-Identify at least 10 different amphibians/reptiles in the wild

Ribbit:10 points-Identify at least 25 different amphibians/reptiles in the wild

Does not jump at the sight of snakes:30 points-Identify at least 50 different amphibians/ reptiles in the wild

Hiker:10 points-Cumulativly Spend a total of 60 hours hiking X

Wilderness survival:10 points-Culmalitivly spend a total of 200 hours hiking X

CB’s legs:30 points-Cumulativly Spend a total of 1000 hours hiking X

MEDIC!:25 points-Help heal injured people using natural medicines at least 5 times.

Nature’s kitchen:25 points-Consume at least 15 CONFIRMED edible/chewable plants in the wild X

Junior DEC:10 points-help the DEC out with a wilderness trail or camp.

When life gives you Lymes…:30 points-Have at least had 15 ticks attached to you without ever getting lymes disease. X

Friendly:5 points-Encounter somebody else hiking in the woods X

Vet:5 points-remove a tick from a dog X

Death is afraid of me:50 points-See both a bear and a rattlesnake (or any other two dangerous beings) and live to tell about it.

The woods are my home:20 points:Spend the night in the wilderness

British:10 points-Prepare at least 10 teas from CONFIRMED EDIBLE wild plants

Nice rash:20 points-See poison sumack, poison ivy, poison oak and a stinging nettle

Almost as experienced as Natlie S:50 points-

Go hiking for over 50 hours

Identify at least 10 of each; Plants, mushrooms, birds, fish, insects and mammals

Photograph/draw 20 things in nature

Canoed at least once

Rare sights:50 points-See at least five different endangered species in the wild

No stone unturned-25 points:Explore at least 50 different trails

On top of the world-25 points-Reach the top of a mountain X

Captain-25 points:Canoe or row across an entire lake

Seven seas plus:25 points-Canoe or row in at least 15 different bodies of water

Photographer:10 points-Capture 100 pictures in the wild X

Cheese!:10 points-capture 200 pictures in the wild X

Big brother of the woods:30 points-capture 500 pictures in the wild

Jumping jack flash:10 points-Get a close-up shot of a rabbit/deer X

My brother calls me a planteer:20 points-Clean up litter from the wilderness

The end of this trail:10 points-find an emerald ash borer or other insect of the such

I know this place:10 points-Locate and drop at least 50 waypoints in your GPS X

Natural sense of direction-25 points: Do not get lost for up to five years.

Companion Compass-25 points:Work your way along a trail with a map and a compass

Dunce:25 points-show dissapproval of Governor Patterson closing down the parks.

ADK fan:25 points-Explore up to twenty trails in the adirondacks.

230/1000

Eric:The real story

News time kiddies!

What the hell happened to Eric and where’d he go?  Two weeks ago I went to his house to find him, gasp, nowehere.  But I found a new tenant, named Igotsanewhaircut.  This guy vaguely looked like Eric, but minus the ponytail and beard.  Also he had a weird foregin accent.  When asked where Eric went, I was told that he was killed by this foreigner’s hand and buried in the backyard.  But when I inspected the backyard, I found no alterations in the ground patterns.

So Igotsanewhandjob lied.  But he wasnt budging on anything else.  I tried other methods, such as poking him in the head until he confesssed.  But that led nowhere.  This Igotsanewstephencolbert was a tough one to crack.   And to fight.  He kicked my ass and left a simmilair bootprint on my asscheek to that of the one eric had given me.

But he may actually still be alive somewhere.  If not alive, still reachable.  He can still be called using MY CELLPHONE!  That’s right, I dissected the phone and found a mini-Ouija board hidden in my Cellphone, unbeleivable right! So it can contact the dead, but he seems to be oblivious to what occured as well.  Children, who is this Igotsanewigotsanew, why did he kill Eric, and wheres the body?

Investigations will continue as they go, and hang in there ghost of Eric.  You’ll be avenged.